XBone-d: The Reveal Rant

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free,” quote from the Statue of Liberty. Microsoft took this one to a whole new level. Let’s have some fun and break it down: “Give me your tired… they’ve been working too hard.” Let’s make them lazy by not making them lift the controller. “Give me your poor”, so they can drool over this new technology that they can’t afford. “Your huddled masses”, that will definitely kill each other on release day; “Yearning to breathe free”, so they can have the latest and greatest. Before you get your panties in a bunch about getting excited over the Xbox One, let me shed some light on Xbox One.

First of all, Microsoft, in case you weren’t aware, there’s already an Xbox One. It was the first one. For the love of God, please count. OH NO WAIT, you DO know how! Remember when you were planning on naming the new Xbox the ‘720’? Good! So after the console drops, whip out your calculators, and add 360 and 720. What do you get? Redundancy. It could be worse – it could have been the Durango. Way to go Microsoft Marketing team, now please, PLEASE, stop!

So, why are you naming this Xbox One? Oh, you wanted to forget about the first two.  Just promise us that you won’t name the next Xbox, the One also because you wanted to forget about the first three. Look, if I can’t forget about my ex-boyfriends, you can’t forget about the previous Xbox consoles. Life just doesn’t work that way.

Moving on to our favorite part, the fact that we don’t really know what it is. When everyone else’s technology gets sleek and chic, Microsoft decides to be a rebel and go full retro and hipster on us, by giving it the design of a shiny black VCR, or a shoe box. Or a cable box. I looked at it further and then thought, “Oh, they’re actually trying to make it look like an improved original Xbox!” Despising the whole thing anyway, I felt I gave them too much credit.

As I understand it, this will probably cost me my unborn children, in addition to their childrens’ children, and etc. That’s fine and dandy, and I don’t mind selling my soul for it, but not making it backwards compatible? No, I’m really not happy. After I dropped hundreds of dollars on games, controllers, headsets, wireless adapters, hard drives, and whatever else, to not make it backwards compatible is a straight Hadouken to the babymaker. Let me get this straight: I spend $400-500 on the console, plus $60 for another controller, and about $200 to start me off with XBone games. And when my 360 breaks, I then have to spend $200 to buy a new one? Are they OUT OF THEIR BLOODY MINDS?! Microsoft, get over yourself. You might be the 1%, but your consumers are not.

Which brings me to my next point, I’m certainly not going to spend almost $1k on this thing to be taken over by my parents and brothers so it can be left on ALL DAMN DAY due to watching TV and playing videogames, just so it can burn out. Clever devils, aren’t they? You buy the system, it gets burnt out, and then you ship it off and don’t see it again for a month, or your warranty gets voided and you have to buy a new one. We’re all onto your game.

Speaking of games, I really wish Microsoft showed off something we should get excited about. FIFA, Forza Motorsport 5 – those games are still a thing? And before they announced their final game, they brought on Steven Spielberg to talk about a new Halo TV series in the making. I did get excited about that, but that has nothing to do with the Xbox One! They did it so all of us Halo fans can bust one out and get ratings up. However, as quickly as it ascended, it has to quickly descend… by announcing yet another Call of Duty, because we simply can’t get enough of this franchise. However, they added custom characterization where you can alter your face and looks, which comes in handy with a FPS, am I right? I do have to admit that the game looked cool, since they didn’t give us much of anything else to say about it. I know I initially got really excited about having the K9 companion, but then the grey cloud of dread loomed over my head. The dog is going to die, or at least will die in one of the future games. You’re going to have to give it a funeral, and it’s going to be the saddest goddamn thing since the death of your dog Sparky, 5 years ago. As sad and messed up as this is going to sound, PETA is going to be all over this like they were with Pokémon. I can see it now – I’m going to sit back and cry that my puppy died, and then shake my head that PETA is flipping out, and the Westboro Baptist Church is going to protest with “THANK GOD FOR DEAD DOGS” signs. Yes, I can absolutely see this unfolding.

Let’s talk tech now by starting with the positives first. Can we have a slow clap for finally getting Blu-ray? On a serious note, I like the Skype capability, especially as someone who does use it often. I do like the switching ability as well, even though I’m usually only playing videogames or watching TV – not both. What I don’t like? Face recognition. If you happen to get mauled by a chimpanzee (God forbid), you’re pretty screwed, aren’t you? And the fact that the dashboard will show what you were last doing?! That can make for a really awkward situation. I don’t want anyone to remember my history – ever. Now, of course the Kinect is required for the Xbox One, which sucks in itself. I swear, we’re one step away from being like those fat people from Wall-E. I find it easier to go to whatever commands I desire by controller, but I understand it takes effort, and effort is not exactly supported anymore. Welcome to the new age!

So, I think I covered the essentials. Unless Microsoft presents us with something revolutionary, I have nothing to say that’s really all that positive. I don’t want a relationship with my Xbox, I don’t want it to be a family system. And I certainly don’t want it to be a “water cooler” (what the hell was that even about?! Consoles are NOT used for that purpose). Bottom line, buyers and Xbox enthusiasts just got royally XBoned.